This summer my husband, son, and my very pregnant self spent two weeks in the beautiful Périgord area in France. The travel journal I kept whilst staying there will be coming out as a zine and is now available for pre-order! Yay!

The zine contains drawings and writings on what we did, ate, saw, and thought while on our beautiful summer holiday.

PLEASE NOTE: This zine is now available for pre-order. I will send out your order on July 30th, 2018 at the latest (probably sooner) from the UK. Please allow for shipping time as well, depending on where you live.

Pregnancy is such a special time. You're huge, you can't eat the foods you like, you don't really sleep, your back hurts, your ankles are the size of tree trunks.

Nah, I kid, I kid, it's marvelous of course (ok not all of it, but most of it). It's so special to carry a little wiggly human being in your belly - it's a time so full of promise and hope. A new person is being created, hidden away for a bit longer, but ready to rock your world completely - show you who they are. Being pregnant is such an honor, being a parent is such an honor, witnessing the change is such an honor. 

Being pregnant is such an honor, being a parent is such an honor, witnessing the change is such an honor. And, well, the hormones help as well. I've been feeling so happy and creative these past few months - which I feel you can really tell from my journal pages. 

A bit of everything in here - travel, feelings, forests, food. Enjoy!

The first three months of this year have been incredibly turbulent for our little family. We made lots of big life choices -- that resulted in very little change for now.

Big news first: I am pregnant with our second child! Yay! It all went a bit quicker than we'd anticipated, but we're completely over the moon (and terrified). We'll be expecting another little boy end of September - a little brother for Jacob! We can't quite believe it, neither of us (and Jacob doesn't really understand yet). This pregnancy also has been so different than the last one, in so many ways. I few thoughts on that below, but more to come as well.

What else? Well, we decided very suddenly to move a few streets down the road to what must be the cutest place in London. I traveled to the US for work. We spent a long and very rainy weekend in Wales. Two more hospitalisations for Jacob (I don't know if I've ever really written about his neutropenia on this blog, but I probably should - as I'd never even heard of it before Jacob got it and it might be helpful to a few of you out there). Oh, and Jochem shaved his beard. 

Anyways, lots of journal pages and comics below. Enjoy!

It feels like two years have passed by since I last uploaded any journal pages, but in fact it's been closer to four months. I guess this happens when you get older, but I've only really started noticing it after Jacob was born. I think it's not even an illusion, time does pass by faster, as he seems to pick up a new skill or grow a centimeter every week. 

The journal pages below include a (work) trip to Bologna, an incredibly scary hospitalization with Jacob, Jacob's first birthday, life, and then... a much-needed break. I had two weeks off over Christmas, and it didn't come a minute too soon.

Enjoy! Want more? You can find all my journal pages (ever), on my Flickr page, because I am old school like that.

A quick flip through my journal pages from February until November of 2017. This year has been a difficult one as my son fell ill and was (eventually) diagnosed with autoimmune neutropenia, a rare blood disease that fortunately in most cases goes away as he gets older, but still puts a lot of stress on our little family.

So I've started a YouTube channel! 

I've been meaning to do this for a while, mainly to showcase flipthroughs of my journals, but should I ever find the time I would also love to use it for tutorials and art supply reviews. Really it's all an elaborate scheme to convince myself that the obscene amount of money I spend on art supplies and stationery is totally worth it, but hopefully you'd get something out of it as well.

So, do check out the first seven videos of me flipping through my illustrated journals over here if you should feel so inclined and please let me know what kinds of video's you'd like to see on my channel. I'd love to grow this into a 'thing'!

Boo! Yes, I'm still here. 
You probably thought I was too busy partying and enjoying summer to draw or blog much. And you would be right if by 'partying' you mean 'sitting in a corner crying' and by 'enjoying summer' you mean 'living through this sh*t show of the summer'. 

It has taken me a while to get back to blogging and uploading my scans because a) I don't want to complain too much when there's so much trouble in the world today that's way (waaaaay) worse than what we've gone through, but also b) writing it down just brings it all right back, and I fear I've got a slight case of PTSD. 

I managed to keep a journal through some of it, though, which you'll find below. Enjoy and do let me know what you did this summer in the comments. For larger versions, please check out my Flickr account (I'm old school like that).

You guys, it's been a lot. These last two and a half months have been 'interesting', even though it started out just fine. I was so nervous for the Big Day - first day of nursery for Jacob, but of course he was a total rockstar. I was a little anxious to start my working life again, but of course it was great fun. And then?

Then Jacob's ear trouble returned. Fortunately, the end was in sight with a planned surgery for the end of May at one of the best children's hospitals in the world. Or so we thought. On the day itself the operation was cancelled as it turned out we had something else to worry about besides the cyst in his ear: low white blood cells, or 'neutropenia' as it is called. Invisible, and therefore, like most things invisible, to me a lot scarier. The update here is that while it's still scary, it does seem like Jacob will be fine. We're awaiting more test results, but in the mean time, anytime our little man has a fever, we need to rush back to the hospital as the low white blood cell count means he can't fight off infections at all and even a little bacterial infection can turn nasty or worse. Not the best, but never in my life have I been more grateful for free health care and above all for the kind, hard working, knowledgable nurses and doctors the NHS employs. They are all saints in my book. As is my mom, who flew out to support me (and cuddle little J) during our last stint at the hospital.

Then at work a series of changes took place that took me by surprise. Things still are very much in flux even now, and although I'm sure things will turn out ok one way or another, like a lot of change, it has been uncomfortable. 

Oh and did I mention it seems like London can't seem to catch a break either? 

The good news is that the doctors have cleared our ever cheerful little man for travel and so next week, we will be off to Holland for a week to celebrate my brother getting married, as well as Jochem's brother getting married (not to each other, but to two other people we very much like). Better things to come, I am sure. And hopefully the next time the universe is trying to send me a message it'll just WhatsApp me. Seriously, what's with the drama?

Jacob is three months (and eight days) old. It's been almost a year since I became pregnant with him, although I didn't know it yet. I didn't know how lucky we'd be - and although I suspected it, I had no idea how incredible the human body is - how incredible my body is. I am not sure when (if at all) I'll get over the fact that we made this perfect little boy who has become the center of everything. I have never been more grateful for my healthy body that somehow knew how to pull this off. 

I've not always had this good a relationship with my body. In high school and college (and to be fair, for a long while after) I was mostly at war with my body. Women's bodies become so very visible after puberty and I did not feel mine was good enough. I did not feel good enough. At that time, the only way I knew how to ease that discomfort was by trying to whip the outside, the visible part, of myself into a less offensive shape. It did not work, of course, but that took me a long time to figure out (and an even longer time to unpack and heal the why, but that's another blog post entirely).
 

Bumps Are 'Out There'

When I became pregnant, a (very naive) part of me had expected I'd temporarily be 'free' from some of the pressures that come with having a female body. A break. I quickly learned that this was an illusion, not only because the pressure to conform to societal norms is partly internal and therefore hard to escape, but also because you are never more visible than when you are pregnant. Your body, as soon as it becomes known and visibly clear that you are with child, almost becomes public property. Everything you eat, drink, and (not) do, is magnified and may be commented upon. Discussing the way you look is to be expected. In some cases (although I didn't experience this myself very much), apparently even touching a pregnant belly is fair game. Even though all of these interactions were positive in my case - it felt odd. Perfect strangers discussing my bump, friends talking about my weight, colleagues asking me after my diet. It was a change. I had left my carefully crafted 'safe zone' (a certain weight, diet, exercise, careless attitude) behind and was having to discuss it by ways of small talk. 
 

Following My Mommy Gut

As my body heals, I am learning to use my increased love and respect for it to care for it. My life is completely different now that Jacob is here, and it doesn't feel inappropriate for my body to reflect this change. As time goes by, however, it also feels wonderful to slowly start to recognize myself in the mirror again. This balancing act (accepting change versus conserving a bit of your old self) seems to me like the perfect metaphor of motherhood. As is the feeling of having to 'explain' yourself, I guess - and deciding, in the end, that you just need to go with your gut. Mommy gut FTW. 

Last Month

Below some journal pages about all this, some trips we made this month, shingles fun times, and the joys of breastfeeding and having the entire world see my boobs (again, so so visible). 

We're slowly getting into the swing of things here at Maison Floor. 

I know that now that I have written this, Jacob will probably wake up every hour tonight. Possibly it's the 5,5 hours of consecutive sleep last night that is making me overoptimistic, but it feels like we have something resembling a life these days. Of course, every time I think that, Jacob throws us a curveball and [stops sleeping/suddenly sleeps all the time/is hungry all day/doesn't seem hungry at all/fusses all day/learns a new skill], but overall I'm just loving being a mommy right now (even as the current political climate continues to upset me).

It is truly amazing how something so special, the miracle of having a baby and loving it so much you could burst, is so mundane at the same time. We are all here. Every one of us was once this same miracle and hopefully loved as much by their parents or caregivers. 

Anyways, before I go even softer on you - here's last month's journal pages. We took a little trip to Holland in our car (! we're such grownups!) to see the family, which I found a little stressful (Will he sleep? Will he eat? Won't people judge me for how I feed/dress/handle him?), but went well overall.  Enjoy!

There's a show people kept recommending to me before we had Jacob, called 'The Longest Shortest Time'. Besides it indeed being a great podcast for parents, the title is also very apt - especially of those first days, weeks, and months with a newborn. 

With a small baby, somehow you're incredibly busy all day keeping this little being alive and well (take a pick between breakfast or showering before noon, you can't have both even though you've been up since 6 am), yet you do 'nothing' for long stretches of time as well. Whole chunks of the night, staring in silence at your baby's suckling lips, his fat little face, eyes closed. The endless rocking, and patting on the back to get him to burp (victory!). The many diapers you change and how you actually become incredibly interested in its contents (apologies for judging you before, friends with kids). Days and nights seem to linger on and on, and sleep often far away, yet somehow then he's a month older and has gained 2 kilos. It's strange, absolutely beautiful, and utterly exhausting, these early days. Below some journal pages on our little man's birth and the first weeks afterwards. Just a few drawings, but I'm proud to have managed to do them at least.

Jacob was born by 'elective' caesarian (backstory here) and although some women who have gone through this seem to feel like they 'failed' in some way, I honestly thought it was a wonderful experience. Having been in and out of the hospital often as a child, I don't have a dislike for hospitals or even surgery, and the whole affair was quite chilled. I walked into 'theatre', got a spinal block set up (meh), lied down while waiting for the numbness to set in, and not ten minutes later I was handed my beautiful baby boy. The doctors and nurses were nice and professional, I was comfortable throughout the procedure and afterwards, and was I able to go home swiftly and without complications. I do wish I had had at least one contraction (just out of curiosity), and I definitely hope to have our next child the 'natural' way (mostly for their sake!), but above all it was still the most wonderful day of my life despite it not being how we had originally envisoned it. I feel incredibly grateful for being able to meet our healthy baby boy in such a calm setting (they even played music!) and not bleeding to death (you know). Yay, modern medicine!

Friends who had been pregnant before had told me that by the end, they 'could not wait' to go on maternity leave. That it felt like they'd been pregnant forever, and that this baby was simply never going to come out.

I won't lie and say I wasn't over it by the end. My ribs were hurting, I couldn't sleep at all, but most importantly: I couldn't wait to finally meet our little man. The whole point of becoming pregnant, after all, was so we would have a baby, and I felt like I'd waited long enough. 

Going on maternity leave, however, was kind of strange for me. I don't think I've ever been away from anything for this long (I'm very fortunate my employer gives me six months fully paid). Summer holidays in college were pretty long (like three months?) and by the end I was itching to get back to it. I also absolutely LOVE my job. It's challenging, interesting, and my colleagues not just feel like but are my actual friends. Would I not go mad just sitting at home?

It turned out not to be too bad. I made sure I got out every day, and mentally and physically prepared for our baby's birth. Very necessary, as things did not go according to our lovely well-thought out birth plan (of course). Our boy decided to do a somersault at 37 weeks and sit upright like a little Buddha.

Breech babies usually do not make for lovely natural water births (in most cases, I hear it does happen), and after a painful and unsuccessful attempt to turn him (an 'external cyphalic version', or ecv) we were offered a choice: plan in an elective caesarian or find a doctor willing to have you try it the 'natural' way, most likely to still end in an emergency caesarian. I know there's people who have done this (or have managed to push breech babies out the 'natural' way) and I have DEEP respect for their courage and strength, but that wasn't me. And so we left the hospital with a date for our son's birth - the Friday after. 

Those last days were strange, and I spent the days preparing myself mentally and physically. I set up the baby's room, went out for coffee, removed all traces of cosmetics and jewelry (which required a trip to the piercing studio), read up on c-sections, and planned my last meal before the big day. I don't know if I felt 'ready' (or if you ever truly can be ready), but I did feel calm and mostly excited. Bring on that baby!

"Being pregnant is hilarious" said my friend, as she was describing how by 8 months she couldn't tie her own shoe laces.

Now that I'm 8 months along, I am enjoying myself immensely of course. Also, ordering decaf in Rome is almost as much fun as misreading signs ('deep tuna massage' anyone?) due to #babybrain, which I think is more like #Imnotsleepingandoffofcaffeinebrain. 

Somehow I feel like I'm doing this pregnancy thing all wrong. Well, mostly I feel great, but people keep commenting on how I should be taking it easy and focus on resting and relaxing before our precious little one arrives to come and take it all away. 

Rest and relaxation wasn't really what we had in mind when we booked our trip to Iceland and Canada earlier this year (before we knew we were pregnant), and work happened to ramp up right at the same time. So here's the story all about how, my life got flipped-turned upside down. Or, I mean how I non-stop traveled for a month while 6 months pregnant. 

Lots of pregnancy stuff in the journal this week as it's slowly taking over my life at 24 weeks.  

View fullsize

View fullsize

View fullsize

If you're a careful observer of these journal pages, you might have noticed I've been sick and tired a lot. The good news is this wasn't completely due to my loud neighbors, the shitty weather, or the travel. Nope, we're expecting a little baby Floor! I'm due December first, so there's still a while to go, but we're over the moon excited. Hope you guys like babies! 

I am a known 'stadsmens', as we say in Dutch. A 'city person'. I grew up in the city, have always lived in cities, and I just very much love and enjoy cities - the bigger, the busier, the better.

I enjoy the concept of nature and the outdoors, but severe allergies to everything natural, a constant need for stimuli and soy lattes, as well as weak knees have often been enough reason for me to not venture too far away from civilization. Now, though, I seem to have found a reason to actually love nature: I love painting mountains. 

Some new scans for you all!

I'm rekindling my love for doing double page layouts. It means I have to be extra careful with what materials I am using on the page, but I love the look of a full book, bursting with color on every page. Here's a few snaps of my Dublin pages. 

View fullsize